Below are the 18 most recent journal entries recorded in bman81's LiveJournal:

Thursday, November 18th, 2004
9:27 pm	Dont Trust Anybody I think you get messed up in the head when you think of a horrible person as being human. Think of them as if they are physical OBJECTS. After all, they don't really seem human, do they? They are not compassionate, they don't care how you feel, they don't care about your ideas. and if you would like an apologee for something horrible done to you do not expect it, I know a tree that's like that! And some large bolders! any of these people should be treated as if he/she is a natural hazard. Like a fire. Or a flood. You wouldn't get 'angry' at a flood or fallen tree in the road. You would figure out WAYS to go around them or calmly and safely handle them. I think of him like I think of a brick falling from above. Or a machine. I now find myself in a postion where its very tough to trust any one in my life, about 7 weeks ago i found my self hurt very very bad, and since then i see the world i,n a different light, to any one reading this dont ask me about it ill just say i dont wanna talk about it, & to any one i have met since then im sorry for my high inabilty to trust, some pains just dont die off, thank you all for such a wonderful website where you can vent. That could be what i need, So this new found world to me is scarier and i really dont like it, things just seem to be getting worse, I wish thing would go back they were before july, or just move towards something totally different. i really think these long work weeks are getting to me. sunday i was really happy, today no such luck, i have no tolerance for traffic any more, today i found my self almost in tears as i made my way to work, as i move at about 2km a hour very depressing thoughts which i have not explained to anyone, ruins me for the day as the traffic just angers me, i dred going to sleep, in utter disgust of what tomorrow will bring. I wish i could truly describe my thoughts, but i cant, Sunday is my happiest day of the week, and cant wait until then. And to every one out there who seems to think just because me and people like me are always trying to be nice, and dont get mad, that its ok to treat us like shitbecause we dont get mad, we got feeling, actaully much stranger then others just becasue i dont get mad dont mean im not hurt, im so sick of being treated so poorly, its a horrible feeling to get treated badly by peopleyou just tried your best to help. it seems to happen often, i have no more to say but to all the concieded bastards, i hope you get whats coming, this is no ordinary bad night drunk message, im really down and trying my best to wear a smile, Current Mood: angry Current Music: dont cry gun n roses (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, August 21st, 2004
3:05 am	consider this So it has been a while since my last entry, and what must say life has taught me more lessons, From July 3 2004 on wards i optimistically believe that my life was crashing faster then i could ever imagine, My world was falling apart and there was nothing that could be done, Fear had taken control of me as well, I quickly found my self to be un healthy as well spending a lot of time in a doctors office, Heart and skin problems tortured me physically, while a built up lack of trust in others tortured me mentally, But i'm glad to know that when i needed it support was there, not from where i expected, I have spent a lot time lately reading quotes from famous philosophers, and some what shocked to see that from the point of view of one i have experienced the greatest pain know to man. Knowing that i have somewhat lost the fear within, Mentally i prepared my self to reach rock bottom, although close i never did reach there, Now i beleive from August 7 2004 on, i have reached a turn around point, i felt i have been noticeably happier, and im on my way up, im not saying every things perfect, but i'm learning things about myself, I have relized that a path i thought led to happiness, never will, only back to pain, I know what i must do and that's learn to not care. Luckily now thanks to a good doctor & hundreds a dollars in medicine my medicals problem have almost disappeared, which is a huge relief, if my life has reached a turn around point then my hope is high, and at this moment i am happy, although im truly unsure. The most important people in my life are my family, now and forever, So heres to the future, good or Bad, fuck it i must except it. Current Mood: hopeful Current Music: Alan Jackson Chattahoochie (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, August 9th, 2004
12:57 am	message to the world dont ask why, but i am truly really pissed right the fuck off. so fuckin mad, And no body gives a fuck. "good night cruel world" (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 6th, 2004
12:39 am	field of dreams the other night, i had more dreams in one night then i could ever imagine, and so many people from my life are in them, dreams to mean something, so what do these mean and why so many at once, one dream i found myself on a boat that sinks, i go in to the water and float on my back for 7 days before being rescued, i was so happy i was alive not thinking of the many other loved one that may have died on that boat, Another one i found my self laughing very strongly to my cousin blowing up giant ballons while others are watching me in confusion, one i question is stand at a bar when a guy a work with passes by and i say dont worry about him hes going to manitoba, and anothe coworker walks by and im asked what about him, i replied hes going too, so many people were in these dreams, Erin the one with you had you very angry, and me trying to cheer you up, not angry at me, but openly telling your emotions, and im doing my best to help, Out of the people in all my dreams, christina you were not one, although my final dream i walked out to a empty street looked around and asked, what about christina, wheres christina, with no anwser, and thats how they all ended, that was a interesting night, i woke up remembering so much, and wondering because most of my dreams can tell me mhats coming, The 7 days of near death experience really gets to me, does it have to do with a week of absolute depression, I have learned depression is anger turned inwards, so i got mad today, but kept it to my self, will that turn inwards, or has it and many others already done so. but why does my anger and depression come strongest when im alone,and what do these dreams all mean, my thoughts on life are changing, Im still so deeply and easily offened though, what lies ahead, i do see good for myself (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 30th, 2004
9:46 pm	My life sucks On a day i should be parting with all the other portuguese i was at home, i suck, i Just dont care about anything anymore, I need to get out on the bike, i will travel any distance, dont lie "anybody, i hate that, i dont need to feel worse, Oh and doctors confuse me, big words, how do pills help the heart, does any body ever even read what i write, if so comment to this i want to see if anyone does, (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, June 17th, 2004
7:35 pm	eu posso ser aquele certainly one confused person here, i hurt easy, any hidden meaning in my world around me have left more confused, wondering minds cant understand, it seems im losely tolerence patience and my insanity. be there to save me when my world goes crazy and i'll be forever graeful, i cant figure my self out although i am simple, so the real challenge is others, i have been so sick to the point tears were falling from my eyes even while at work, the worst of it all, nobody cares, well almost, everyone else doesnt matter, im not happy and dont know how to be sucks, i figure a man needs a house, a good job, a woman, a truck, family, a boat, atv or horse, and dont forget some relaxing country music, i missing 2 things, although simple my thoughts are deep, so deep to others it may seem completly blank and i wonder is this how i see others, where trust leaves one place must show up somewhere else, like a emotion, i dont know where i would be, but some things make perfect sence, im ready but something has been left behind, if the door is locked i cant go through, but once the door open i want to go through years of bad dececisions run like tears down my face, no alchol or drugs are needed, they just make things worse, open my eyes to see your beautiful face its a good morning beautiful day, de ja vu happens over and over , if your confused by my words, so am i Current Mood: blah Current Music: tim mcgraw my best friend (Comment on this)
Saturday, June 5th, 2004
3:53 am	drunk talk 2 i almost seem to drunk to type, blah blah blah, oh so i saw three female friends today thatmean so much to me, of courde one more then the others, i should be happy, but im not, im drunk and feel worse, so i was given so much advice today, which left more confused then ever, shit i know hat would be better but no way, oh shit, so i found my delf with a bueatiful girl on each of my side but thresadest indivuak there, i fucjin hat how imtreated inlive, blah blah, all i want is to be happy, dont tak that away, clubs are not my place, only one thing mattersm gtg fucki hate it all (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, June 3rd, 2004
2:41 am	ouch ouch i was awoken by sheer phsical pain over an hour ago, i neeed to wake up for work soon, cant sleep, FUCK FUCK, this pain, tortured by a thump that awoke me. i feel like im gona die, (Comment on this)
Friday, May 28th, 2004
8:30 am	the strong silient type Nothing to do but wait, but what for ? Hopefully not pain, thoughts cross my mind, and a fear of the future is deeply dwelled within, My mind is not where it should be I literally found my swearing, while the holy bible was in my hand and I looked up to see the face of Jesus, how I came that situation is strange but it happened. But where is my faith, how can it continue with so many unanswered prayers, why is that if I truly believe I can see what lies ahead that I cant do any thing about it, well my hope is maybe I can, or at least prepare, I have many thoughts, on why things happen the way they do but with no answer, Only one thing can over come the worlds greatest pain, and knowing you must reach one or the other, a soldier ventures on, after reading words from the bible, I think in way that may make sense to me, but if asked to explain I cant, why is that a single moment can bring such happiness and a single though can take that away, I current solution is to lie for those moments, but where are they? While others celebrate I will grieve is what I see in my dreams, and day after day I awake in pain, until that moment in realty brings me up. I hate the fact that I am no longer in control of my own destiny only in a small extent I do, Rumors that me leaving my world are a brew, And any lies dig through my heart like a hammer drill. Truly awful, I love surrey, but I need to get away, but how long can I last away from my world, I feel the need to scream, but it wont help, June will be interesting, I’m waiting and I’ll see. And questions arise why I find my self relating to men of the mafia, what is it. Maybe the fear and power deep within them all. I realized to I hate being alone for any moment, but today has been a tough day, my mind is lost so lost, I cant remember things I did minutes before, So today is the first day of the rest of my life, one the greatest feeling there is, is to look out my window, and seeing this beautiful province shine its way deep into the depths of my soul, 22 years and still astonished at the beauty of this place, I wonder what today has to offer me today, hopefully nothing like 1 to 6 pm yesterday, now I get to wondering, on my book self I have a statue of Jesus a dolphin a soccer ball and a boat, what message does the bring about my personality, I still find my self interpreting things be say to have a hidden meaning, my anger quickly died, or just built up with in me, Current Mood: confused Current Music: goodbye cruel world pink floyd (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 20th, 2004
8:58 pm	where does it end I relized that this should be a median for my thoughts and not feeling, although i claim to be happy to most, it just gets worse, so i have left my self wondering how i have had heated disccussions with intelligent people that beleive knowledge and intelligannce are one of the same, when clearly to me there not, in one way i see that knowledge at times can be a great form of torture, when intelligence can not. ive heard many people say that such in such is smart because they got a degree, i'll never beleive that, i have dealt with some the most educatedpeople in the country, and alot are as dumb as can be, they just are able to hold knowledge, ive been in the sitution where someone was try to figure out a chemical equation, i came along and off the top of my head knew what to do and the molecular weight of the chemicals, they thought i was smart, to me it just knowledge, intelligence is shown when you can discover something with no prevouis knowledge, and im alway impressed to see that. Today i found my self once again contemplating my future knowing some decisions that may come along, i found my self be presented to pictures of whole new world which one day may be my home, Deep down the actions upon the new years time will result in my decision, but leave me wondering is my emotions or can i be bought out, although this choice has crossed me before, and not even $90,000 has made me leave my home. I truly beleive my future lies in the love ofmy family. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 19th, 2004
11:11 pm	hey right now im one confused indivual and not happy about it, if i try to figure my self out, i think im strange, but now i relized if i try to figure every ones else out, their stranger then i (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, May 15th, 2004
7:25 pm	contemplating realaty through fiction How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a man, the anwser my friend is blowing in the wind, but if you dont see it, it blows right by. my aspiration may not only be for my own personal acheivment i realized, although i want it, it may also be to enlighten a loved one older then I, but it seems i am willing to wait, this can not be filled by just anyone. maybe temporary, but thats not good enough. I must speak about last night, some one astonished me to a point that much respect was given from me to every word she had to say, you know who you are. I found every thing you said to me to be incredibly true and look forward to hearing more, only some things mentioned may be stronger then you think, although we are on different roads and i still cant determine exactly what road your on, i feel i can relate, but i saw something interesting, you are much stronger emotionally then I. And like myself do show your emotions, but for some reason many do not pick up on them. My aspiration and my feeling currently are not linked, The only reason i would want to do that is my current situation puts me an area to feel emotionally uncomfortable, and remember i am not emotionally strong which can easily cause depression, This week i have come to some conclusions about my self, 1 i do have built up anger which needs to be released but wont be near those i care for, and 2 this may be something woman would find a good quality in a man, but i thrive on having my thought and feeling and sometime actions controled by woman, im used to it, I cant imagine it any other way. at home, work, and else where. The one thing i truly want is happiness, and i dont know where to find that, but by example step one i beleive is that emotion strength, sensitivity can be a bearer of bad feeling. IF you understand all i had to say, then now you may know where i stand, words of wisdom will not be forgotten, have spent most of the day pondering in bed,and will continue to do so. I am wondering if some advice given was not truly a beleive but a protection. either way for now it should be followed. Current Mood: quixotic Current Music: tim mcgraw wind blow by (Comment on this)
Friday, May 14th, 2004
8:23 pm	oh nice since the last time ive wrote here, thing have been nothing short of wonderfull every day sunday right through to today, im saying every thing perfect, but this week, if i dont think of any past or future, it was great, from work to outside work, first of all at my job point of view, i say good bye to the flash tank, that means so much to mean, it something that has sent me flying acrosss the rooom gave me so much problems. i burned the living shit me so im glad it gone, and succesfully running half the speed, things are good, out side of work, those early morning jogs. absolutly great,hope they ever end, the last 4 days i have spent 50 huors at work but still it was all good,recahing the big 10 laps, what a perfect amount, and what a perfect way to end it, doing one of my favorite things with one of my favorite people. it was all fun even falling in a big pile of mud, i know tomorrow will not be so fun, its time to accept it, i got some thimgs i have to do,, and back to work on sunday, so fast. good bye for now (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 9th, 2004
1:26 am	drunk talk oh saturdays suck, it seems im in need of a serouis life change. i want to go from feeling fuckin horrible on saturdats to feeling good, but to do so i would have dusomething a cant and dont want to do. i thinktheres 2 people that understand my words. becaause yiu do, i need that change, today one thing made it suck, my hear, so whats just my eyesught im not mad just so ofended, i hope to every one thats its not even a memory, good night, and to you i mentioned before and mentioned to me that imentioned you, today was kind of a repeat of lst time, but this gtime the tables have turned (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, May 7th, 2004
11:27 am	whatever the next two years will set my path for life, and i dont know where to start, there one thing i now i need , and only time will tell, i realized the hardest person for me to undertsand is me, so any one trying to figure me out good luck, remember i am a nice guy, some people i do care, my father and brother are not any of those peole\ple right now, those people know i care, im an area of complete confusion right now, so i hope it goes away, i think people just have to be a liitle more clear in what they tell me, its friday now, im not at work becasue i work 12.5 hours aday so i get it off, but it almost seems like whats the point, im so frustrated with my father, this has gotten to a point where i cant take it, i feel i earn my extra days off as my life is consists of only work, but my dad waits untill the weekend for me to be home for me to do things around the house, when him and my brother dont work just are home all day, it absolutly anoying, today it almost noon, hes ussually gets me up early, god knows hes tried, but has not bother my bro yet, i have locked my self in my room, this time those 2 lazy shits can do it them selfs what ever is to be done, its me week end, my father is walking around the house screaming right now, but i dont care, it moments like this i wish i werent alone, i need a good friend by my side, and who ever that may be will gain respect. from me, im not kidding when i say i got a crazy guy waiting for me downstairs, it looks like i never planned things well enough, i should always have my keys here in my room so i can leave out my window anytime i like. right now to avoid the noise from below, im trying to think of happy thoughts. i would really like to get some thing done but it seems for now im stuck here. i dont want to move out because of this, what am i do to about him, any one help. its jsut pisses me off my mom to all day when im at work he sitting arpund playing cards, but come friday, brian i want you to do this and that, my brothers home all week too, and hes older then me, going to work lately has been so good such a stress releiver. all my frineds that i talked to last night, you are the only people i want to talk to now Current Mood: confused Current Music: tim mcgraw I know how to love you well (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 4th, 2004
9:29 pm	feeling better Sunday was just what i needed a day on my quad, this province truly is beautiful, sometimes just getting out to a place were every thing else in my life just dissapears is absolutely amazing. monday i was glad to be at work, can you believe it, i have a feeling some thing horrible will happen but not at work, after work, i went to work with darren, alana, and christina, thats was great guys, and so here i am tuesday night, im so tired here lying in bed, but i wish i was with them 3 again, and i could have been, so now i miss them, but i know tommorrow morning i will know i made the right decision to stay in bed. right now i feeling pretty good, and dont want to look forward to my near future because i see nothing good coming, i'll enjoy the moment and not think of the past , or i want like that either. well i will end this with a lesson i learned this week, Unfortunately, it really seem like DONT TRUST ANYBODY should be a rule to live by. Current Mood: complacent Current Music: Darryl Worley - I Miss My Friend (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 2nd, 2004
9:46 am	morning i though alchol hightened my emotions, it just seemed to dim them, today im off to do one of my favorite things. ATV. my stress releiver, this week was nuts, all week at work i was screaming fuck at random times, as if something bad happened, but nothing did, friday i snapped at my father like never before, and saturday, i dont even know how to explain,but hopefully i can feel better, i never managed to sleep overnight, sure would like to but i cant. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: george canyon good day to ride (Comment on this)
2:57 am	first day today is the first time im writing in this, i quess i need a stress releiver. right now its three in the morning i dont want to be awake but i cant sleep, im in need of a good friend but got no one, so bad, im really beleive that every day is a lesson, but i learned that sometimes that lesson is just torture,so here i am, writing to no one,i think this is kind of stupid but i will be back, i learned that sometimes the best people to be around are the ones that understand your feeling best, and others well just cant be trusted, ok im going on about nothing, but tonight sucked, but i need to say thanks to 2 people that actually enjoyed seeing, thats gester and erin, thanks guys a loved having you around, good night Current Mood: crushed Current Music: brad paisley whiskey lullaby (Comment on this)